it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
