Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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