I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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