They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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