Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
