I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
