Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
