I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
