they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
