He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
