Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
