Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
