i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
What drink are we having for lunch?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Damn victory sex feels great
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
