My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
