Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Please don't give away my fajitas
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
