Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
