The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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