What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
