Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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