I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
