I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
