soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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