I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Randomize
