I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
