Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
