just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
