don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize