that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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