His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
her facebook's as public as her vagina
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
being pregnant is like rehab
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
