I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
