I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
