I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
