You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize