he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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