I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
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