This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
