"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
