i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
