Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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