So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
