if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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