There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
