i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
