Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
