Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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