I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
