Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
