highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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