I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
