i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
