I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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