Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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