Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
