I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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