He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
