My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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