My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
