Will you blow on my dice?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
