This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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