i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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