My sheets look like a crime scene.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
